via P.B. Law’s Newsleek,

NEW YORK —Goldman Sachs today petitioned the Federal District Court in Manhattan to be exempted from the financial regulations recently passed by Congress, on the grounds that they are an infringement of the firm’s religious freedom to practice accounting using Mahayana Buddhist principles. According to a statement issued by the firm, “Rather than being forced to use Western mathematical principles of commutativity, distributivity, and associativity, we assert our constitutional right to calculate financial instruments using Mahayana mathematical principles of non-duality (1+1=1), interconnectivity (1=2=3=4=5=6=7=8=9), and heart-sutrivity (1=0, 0=1).”

In an allusion to the bodhisattva Ho-tai, the statement continued, “Only when we are free to employ these principles as skillful means in calculating financial transactions will we be able to pursue our religious aim of staying fat and happy.”

When questioned at a press conference as to how long Goldman Sachs had been followers of the Mahayana, Albert Capone, a spokesman for the firm, replied, “Actually, our board of directors took the bodhisattva vow many years ago to grow fat by teaching Dharma to all sentient beings. For proof, consider our long history of teaching the paradoxical nature of emptiness by selling nothing for something, and buying something with nothing. And as evidence of our ongoing efforts, consider the recent series of financial meltdowns we helped engineer to teach the entire world the Dharma of impermanence, emptiness, and interconnectedness. Until now, our directors thought it best to fulfill their vows under the radar, following the model of the great bodhisattva, Vimalakirti, but given the current climate of mathematical oppression, they see no choice but to go public with their mission.”

The US Treasury Department has yet to indicate how it will respond to this latest challenge from Goldman, but Jessye Jaims, spokesperson for British Petroleum (BP), has indicated that BP has plans to file an amicus brief for the right to use Mahayana mathematical principles in calculating the amount of money it will commit to cleaning up the on-going oil spill in the Gulf.

As evidence of BP’s Mahayana affiliation, Jaims cited the oil giant’s compassionate efforts to deliver free oil to the shores of every country on earth.

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