ChicagoThe longtime search for self, conducted by area man Andrew Speth was called off this week, the 38-year-old said Monday.

“I always thought that if I kept searching and exploring, I’d discover who I truly was,” said Speth from his Wrigleyville efficiency. “Well, I looked deep into the innermost recesses of my soul, I plumbed the depths of my subconscious, and you know what I found? An empty, windowless room the size of an aircraft hangar. From now on, if anybody needs me, I’ll be sprawled out on this couch drinking black cherry soda and watching Law & Order like everybody else.”

“Fuck it,” he added.

Speth said he began his search for himself in the late ’70s, when in junior high he “realized that there was more to life than what [he] could see from [his] parents’ Dundee, IL home.”

Courtesy of The Onion
Courtesy of The Onion

The search initially showed great promise, with Speth’s early discovery of his uncle’s old Doors records and a copy ofThe Catcher in the Rye. Over the next two decades, however, the “leads just petered out.” Although Speth searched in a wide variety of places—including the I Ching, a tantric-sex manual, and a course in chakrology—he uncovered nothing.

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