The Green-Eyed Monster

Jealousy has a terrible reputation in dharma circles. Unlike anger, which is understood to be destructive but can also be skillfully harnessed to set boundaries, recognize injustice, and protect ourselves and others from harm, jealousy seems to be viewed as unequivocally toxic. In Buddhist iconography, jealousy is depicted as a snake, because it strikes suddenly and spreads poison. I’ve heard multiple teachings where jealousy is described as a “disgusting” or “childlike” emotion. So it’s unsurprising that jealousy is the disturbing emotion that dharma students are the least willing to own up to. Why would anyone want to admit to struggling with feelings that are considered immature, repugnant, and destructive? This presentation of jealousy is intended to motivate dharma students who do not recognize the dangers of jealousy to really see how harmful it can be. But for those who are highly self-critical or prone to shame, it is a recipe for spiritual bypassing.

Spiritual bypassing is a defense mechanism where people deny or avoid confronting difficult emotions, painful life events, or unresolved developmental tasks by hiding behind spiritual concepts or practices. Rather than admit we are angry, jealous, fearful, or greedy, we shove it out of our minds and pretend it is not happening, or try to compensate with thoughts and actions that are considered spiritually “good.” It can look like this: You see someone have something that you want—in dharma centers it is usually time with or proximity to the teacher, access to special teachings, or other outward signs of status in the community—and you feel that sudden rise of rage-filled resentment. You become caught in a flood of escalating reactions: You want the thing the other person has, then feel deeply conflicted about wanting it. The internal struggle then spirals into shame and feeling exposed. You don’t want anyone else to see your jealousy while simultaneously feeling like everyone can see it. You may compensate by praising the other person in your mind or outwardly to others, and then wind up feeling inauthentic and fake. It is a terrible emotional bind to be in.

When disturbing emotions are ignored or suppressed in this way, they don’t disappear. They still arise in the mind but go unrecognized, and the risk of unconsciously acting them out then becomes much greater. If you don’t acknowledge to yourself that you are jealous or envious of someone, it’s easy to convince yourself that the person you are jealous of is the problem. You’ll conclude that they don’t deserve the accolades or relationship or job or whatever they have that you are jealous of, and you then feel justified in slandering them or gossiping about them. Despite temporary relief, this ultimately creates the causes for more jealousy to arise in your mind in the future.

If we notice jealousy arising, it means that we need more of its antidote—rejoicing. We can cultivate joy by contemplating the good qualities of ourselves and others, particularly the positive results arising from good karma. It is not enough to just think positive thoughts in a detached or logical way: “Oh, how nice for that person.” We must feel a genuine sense of happiness for them. It’s a wonderful antidote, because the impact of it is so immediate. It truly feels so much better to rejoice than it does to feel jealous. Where jealousy is divisive and isolating, rejoicing is about receptivity to others and connection. It’s like getting to join in on a celebration with another person, even if it’s only in your mind.

If we notice jealousy arising, it means that we need more of its antidote—rejoicing.

To get to rejoicing, we first need to acknowledge jealousy within ourselves and to wholeheartedly accept the reality that we can’t stop jealousy from arising occasionally—particularly in dharma settings. As I researched this article and spoke to many longtime dharma practitioners, almost every person had a story about feeling jealous of another person in their sangha, being the object of jealousy of others, or witnessing the acting out of other students who were clearly jealous of a fellow student.

In fact, dharma centers are practically designed to invite jealousy. While it can revolve around various things, the time and attention of the spiritual teacher is perhaps the most frequent and powerful object of jealousy for students in dharma centers. This is because dharma centers are family systems. The teacher represents the loving, wise parent guiding the students—their symbolic children—toward enlightenment. Everyone wants the parent’s attention, approval, and praise, but the teacher is a limited resource. There are only so many hours in a day, and not enough time for everyone to have all the one-on-one conversations and guidance they want. Some people will inevitably receive more than others. Some students are more assertive about pushing for the teacher’s notice. Some people have a harder time asking for what they need. Just like siblings, dharma students will find it unfair when someone else is getting what they want. So jealousy naturally arises.

Facing our jealousy is an act of courage and authenticity, and we can sincerely tell ourselves that by doing so we are helping others.

The good news is that once we recognize the experience of jealousy in ourselves, we have created a precious opportunity to transform your mind. There is a way, or a series of ways, out. To heal jealousy, we need both relational tools—tools involving other people we trust—and meditation-based tools we use on our own. The goal is to get to the antidote of rejoicing for the person we feel jealous of, but sometimes we need to take a few steps before we can get there. Here’s what to do when you notice jealousy arising and not passing away quickly but recurring frequently about a particular person or situation.

Admit your feelings. It’s important to express your feelings to a trusted person who will be understanding, who will not shame you, and who will validate that the feelings are normal. Don’t choose the dharma friend who is going to give you a pious lecture in that moment on the faults of jealousy or what practices you should do to counter it. What is needed is a loving, encouraging friend who will say “I get it.”

Focus on your feelings, not the person you feel jealous of. Avoid the temptation to discuss the person you are jealous of at any length. That can perpetuate the feelings and tip over into gossiping, which is not going to help you. Focus on naming your reactions, emotions, and sensations. If you are the one listening, and your friend who is confessing to jealousy starts to focus on the person they are jealous of, avoid criticizing and just gently redirect them. You can ask, “How did you feel when you saw them do that?” or “What’s happening for you right now?” Know that you are dealing with someone who is likely experiencing low self-esteem in the moment, even if they are unaware of it. Criticizing them is unlikely to help.

Contemplate what you need that you don’t have. Ask yourself why you are jealous of the other person. If they have more time and attention from the teacher, are they more assertive about asking for it? Maybe the jealousy is a sign that you could work on your assertiveness skills. Are they receiving public recognition? If that’s the case, ask yourself if you are feeling sufficiently seen in your relationships. Maybe you need acknowledgment or praise in an area of your life that you haven’t received, such as at work or in your family or romantic relationship. Maybe you are feeling insecure in your spiritual practice and need validation from a senior student or a trusted dharma friend that you are on the right track. Jealousy can point to unmet needs.

Rejoice in your efforts. It would be easy to try to suppress these feelings, deny them, or blame the other person for having what you don’t. Instead, when you process these feelings appropriately, you are engaging in Buddhist practice. Each time you deal with jealousy in a healthy way, praise yourself in your mind. Tell yourself very clearly, “Right now, I am doing the most important practice I can: recognizing and acknowledging disturbing emotions. I am being courageous, and I am facing this challenge directly so that I can help myselfand others.” Think this, or something like it, repeatedly until you naturally feel a sense of self-confidence arising. When Lama Zopa Rinpoche taught rejoicing practice, he suggested using a mala and saying, “How wonderful! How wonderful!” as you count each mala bead.

Have a daily rejoicing practice. To be able to apply the antidote of rejoicing in the moment when jealousy arises, you first have to train in rejoicing on a regular basis when jealousy is not actively arising. The following is a three-step meditation based on the rejoicing teachings of Lama Zopa Rinpoche.

➊Using a mala, start by rejoicing in all your own efforts to be a good person and practice the dharma. Think to yourself how wonderful it is that you are practicing the dharma and putting in the effort to transform your mind. With each bead, say to yourself or out loud, “How wonderful! How wonderful!”

➋Do one mala rejoicing in the efforts of all dharma practitioners everywhere. Think how wonderful it is that in this era of conflict, violence, and divisiveness, there are people across the planet working hard to actualize the Buddha’s path of love and compassion. Say with each bead, “How wonderful!”

➌Do one mala rejoicing in the efforts of the Buddha and all your other spiritual teachers. Think of their wisdom and compassion and all the effort they put in to transform their minds. Again, with each bead, say, “How wonderful!”

Facing our jealousy is an act of courage and authenticity, and we can sincerely tell ourselves that by doing so we are helping others. If we don’t work with jealousy in ourselves, how can we have compassion for others who are struggling with it? We might be able to sympathize from a distance, but we’ll be maintaining a false dichotomy of us/them—that’s a problem they have, but it’s not my problem. If we go a bit further and take on rejoicing as a regular practice, it’s possible that eventually, when jealousy arises in our mind, we will be able to shift into rejoicing for the other person right in that very moment. In this way, we can transform the poison of jealousy into the medicine of joy.